Hi, I'm pro baseball player Jose Canseco. I was born in Havana, Cuba, on July 2, 1964.

10 Unfortunate Facts

I played part of my career for the Texas Rangers, a team notorious for its steroid use in the 1990s. It was there I introduced steroids to Rafael Palmeiro, a player well known for both his glorious mustache and role as Viagra pitchman. (Also, that time he lied to Congress.)

I was responsible for one of the greatest bloopers in sports history when a fly ball bounced off my head and over the wall for a home run. Because while steroids do make your head bigger, they can't teach you how to catch.

I was the first baseball player ever to hit 40 home runs and steal 40 bases in the same season. Since then, Barry Bonds has also achieved the feat. Can you spot the pattern?

I have an identical twin brother named Ozzie who played Major League Baseball, but nobody remembers him because he sucked even with the steroids.

After my retirement from baseball, being desperate for money and attention, I chose to fight a MMA match against Via Sikahema. My 6'4,” 240 pound frame proved no match for his 5'9,” 196 pound stature. He knocked me out in 1 minute 17 seconds.

Upon discovering I still had a shred of dignity left, I decided to rid myself of it by appearing on reality television as a cast member of VH1's Surreal Life.

In what remains perhaps my most surprising career move, I proved I was literate by writing a NY Times Bestseller, Juiced. The book accused several high profile baseball players of using performance enhancing drugs. This marked my transition from professional athlete to professional reputation-damager.

At a Miami nightclub in 2001, my brother and I broke a tourist's nose and gave another guy a gash that required 20 stitches on his lip.

When I'm not out hurting tourists with my brother, I like to beat my wives. I allegedly ran my car into my first wife's car before divorcing her. Several years later, I married a Hooters waitress and got arrested for allegedly hitting her, too. I'm a one-man testament to the power of 'roid rage.

In 2008, I pled guilty for trying to bring a fertility drug into the US from Mexico. I also lost my house that year to foreclosure since my 2 divorces cost me about $15 million.

Pictures on posterboard were required. I added speech bubbles.

“I injected Mark McGwire with steroids. In the butt.” And so on.

I'm failing the class, by the way. Kind of surprising, given how seriously I take my studies.

I dunno!  What's your favorite race?  Oo, which one do you think is the most ugly?

Perceptions of beauty are shaped (warped?) by the cultural environment you live in.  Everywhere, people are essentially the same on the inside.  But I assume this question asks about shallow, skin-deep beauty, and I maintain that lust knows no color.  So that's my non-answer.

Although, to be totally honest, I alone tilt the scales heavily in favor of Caucasians. 

I just answered this Featured Question; you can be open-minded too!

Yes. As the story goes, I was in a band called MC5 at the time, and we were in southern Cal to play a few small gigs on the West Coast that week. We had already gained a devoted following in the Detroit area, but were still pretty obscure on a national level. (This was before our appearance on the cover of Rolling Stone.) Having the night off, I went to the Oakland Raiders game along with the band's new manager, John Sinclair.

Well, who happened to sit next to me in the stands that day but none other than Huey P. Newton. We started chatting a little about team owner Al Davis and the Raider's chances that year, but the conversation gradually turned towards politics. Huey was really passionate about it, you could tell. I half-jokingly suggested he start his own party, like an activist group to advance the rights of African-Americans.

And you know what he said? He said, “Yeah, that's a great idea!” He was dead serious, too. He came up with a name for it, right on the spot: The Black Panther Party, after his favorite film, The Pink Panther, the new one with Peter Sellers.

And wow, was I excited! This really had potential! He was a fiery guy, and I knew we could start something big, right there in Oakland. We exchanged contacts and made plans to put the movement in motion. We were gonna make a difference, change the world, Huey and I. The year was 1966, and Al Davis is really fucking old.

Huey and I did start that party, just like we said we would. It began with the Black Panther's platform statement, “The Ten-Point Program.” I actually authored 9 of the 10 points, with Huey's contribution being more of an afterthought to make it a round number, but I generously gave him equal writing credit as co-author. You know, for street cred.

Sadly, that is where my direct involvement with the Black Panther Party came to an end. See, it had been my understanding that since I co-founded the party, I was, therefore, a member of the party! But Huey felt differently.

When I asked him what more I should do to help get the party off the ground, he said the best thing I could do—rather than interfere with the organization's internal affairs—was to start a another movement, one to rally the support of whites behind the Panther's cause. I understood what he meant: The Black Panther Party was for blacks only. At first, that had me slightly upset, I'll admit. Being discriminated against because of my skin color? Well, they wouldn't understand... But I wanted to help their cause, anyway. I knew in my heart I had to do something.

I got to talking about the situation with Sinclair, who, heretofore, had shown only a passing interest in politics. And that's when it hit me: Sinclair and I would form the White Panther Party, the albino branch of the Black Panther Party, with the similarly steadfast dedication to equal rights for all! The rest, my friends, is history...

Huey and I remained friends throughout this time; any initial hard feelings over our little rift were quickly forgotten. Our parties worked together towards common goals up until their disbandment in the mid '70s.

Huey died in 1989, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him. I even gave him a shout-out in my verse the following year when collaborating with Public Enemy for their hit “Welcome To The Terrordome.” Public Enemy made just the kind of socially-conscious music he loved. But I can't listen to that song anymore. Too many memories, so much work yet to be done...  

I just answered this Featured Question; you can kick out the jams, motherfuckers!